The Letter
by SingingLaLa
Summary: How Ethan feels about his situation. As told through a letter. SongFic. Based on Amneris' Letter from the Broadway Musical Aida


Hey guys! I know I should be working on Chapter 8 of Unconditionally, and I am. But this plot bunny bit me on the leg just refused to leave me alone until I wrote it down. This is a one-shot songfic, and it will stay like that unless there is major, major demand for another chapter to conclude it. If you haven't heard Shania Twain's version of this song, I suggest you find it. It's amazing, imo. Hope you all like this. Reviews are good for the soul (hint hint;)).

Disclaimer: Yes, you've caught me. I am JER, and I own Passions. NOT ;). If I owned Passions, Theresa and Ethan would be together and happy, as it should be, and Gwen would be alone, regaining her sanity in the nearest mental facility. However, since I do not own it, writing fan fic will have to do.

Lyrics are in italics.

**The Letter**

_I'm sorry for everything I've said_

Theresa,

I don't know why I'm writing this. I'll probably never even send it. I guess I'm writing it more for myself than I am for you. To get these things off of my chest. To admit the truth, even if it's just on paper.

First of all, I want to say that I am sorry. Sorry for all of the hurt I've caused you with my words and actions. Sorry for every time I've told you I love you in private, only to shun and degrade you in public. You'll never fully realize how ashamed I am for the things I've said to you, and for the words I deliberately chose, knowing how deeply they would hurt you.

_And for anything I forgot to say, too_

I'm sorry, too, for the things I haven't said. For not defending you when I knew you needed and deserved to be. There is so much I want to say, but it feels like there is no way for me to get the words out. To you, I want to say you're beautiful, and wonderful, and that while I know you need to move on, the thought of you moving on drives me to the brink of madness. To those who attack you, I want to look at them all and tell them to keep their mouths shut. That they don't know what they're talking about. That you're not the monster they try to make you out to be. But instead, I stay quiet, dying a little more each time I see the pain and betrayal on your beautiful face. Please forgive me for being such a coward.

_When things, they get so complicated_

Everything has become so complicated. Ever since our almost marriage, it's been one complication, one disaster, after another. First with your "marriage" to Julian, and being pregnant with his child. You almost dying in the electric chair (I still can't believe you thought it was me who tried to kill Julian). Then, just when it seemed that things might turn out well for us, Gwen finds out she's pregnant, and instead of you and I getting married like we dreamed, I proposed to her. Don't you understand that I had to do right by my child, no matter how much it killed me? She and my child needed me Theresa! I did what I had to do.

Then came L.A., and the night that changed everything. Please know that I don't blame you for what happened. It's not your fault that Sarah died. It was my doing. I should have been at the hospital, by Gwen's side. But as you've said before, we're drawn to each other. I could not stay away from you. After Sarah's death, however, everything escalated into the runaway train that we're currently riding.

_I stumble, at best muddle through_

I wish I knew how to stop it. Wish I knew how to get everything on the right track, make everything the way it should be. But I don't. Despite what you may think, I don't have all the answers. At times, I wonder if I have any answers at all.

I've never dealt with imperfection, with messes, very well. You know that. You know me better than anyone else, including myself I'm afraid. When things get complicated, when perfection is shown for the flawed mess that it can be…I don't know how to cope.I don't deal.At best, I muddle through. Because I'm scared. Scared that all of my flaws will come out.So I put up walls. But all they do is cause me to falter even more.I stumble. I make mistakes.

Like allowing Gwen to convince me to adopt Little Ethan. I hated that so much, Theresa. It broke me, knowing that we were destroying you, and that you hated me. Watching Little Ethan close himself off a little bit more each day because he missed you so much. The fear and pain in his eyes every time he forced himself to call Gwen, "mommy".

I should have been stronger for him. I should have stopped it. I should have told her no. Should have made her to see that taking Little Ethan away from you, making him call her mommy out of revenge, was not going to bring our daughter back. All it was going to do was hurt everyone involved. I knew you wouldn't take losing your son without a fight. That wouldn't be you. The woman I love fights until her dying breath, no matter what the obstacles.

Even though I was angry with you for becoming our surrogate…I still couldn't help but be so proud of you. You were willing to do whatever it took to get Little Ethan back. Your strength and determination amazes me sometimes.

And Jane…our beautiful daughter. That night shouldn't have happened, Theresa. But in the end, I just cannot regret it. Not when it brought us that little girl. It is a memory I will cherish forever, even if I throw it in your face when things get heated. It is what keeps me going, when things are hard, along with Jane.

I was backed against a wall, Theresa. You forced my hand when you wouldn't drop the charges, and I had no choice but to follow through on my threat and take Jane. She deserves a stable home, and Gwen and I can provide that for her. At least, that's what I tell myself. The truth is, I would give anything to give you Jane back. But I cannot do that to Gwen. It would kill her, Theresa. And we've already hurt her so badly already.

So many things I wish I hadn't done…and those are among the biggest regrets I have. But the biggest one is not marrying you when I had the chance all those years ago. Despite the tabloid, I knew you hadn't sent the information. My heart told me you would never hurt me that way. But I didn't listen to my heart that day. I should have. I should have told my mother to shut up, turned to Father Lonigan, and asked him to continue. The rest would have worked itself out.

That is my biggest regret. That I allowed my anger and hurt pride to override my heart, and let them cause me to stumble in our love. Who knows what things would be like now.

_I wish our lives could be simple_

Do you remember how simple life once was? I was Ethan Crane, heir to the Crane Dynasty. I was going to take over and change everything. Right the horrendous wrongs my family had perpetrated on others. And you…you were going to be by my side. We were in love, and nothing could stop us. Nothing could break us. Our love was too strong. We were forever. It was that simple. God, how naïve we were. And the honest truth is that I would give anything to go back to that time. To have things be that simple. To just be in love with you, and know that you love me. I know that's just wishful thinking. I have to focus on reality, and what's going on in the here and now. But that doesn't stop me from wishing.

_I don't want the world, only you_

In my dreams, I see only one thing. Us, as a family, happy and in love. No barriers, no obstacles, no hurt and no lies.

When I was a Crane, I had the world at my feet. Whatever I wanted, I got. The newest toys, the hottest cars, lavish vactions. And only the best of the best was acceptable. Money was no object. I'll be the first to admit that I was spoiled. I came to expect the best of the best and the finest of the finest. I wanted it all. Until you.

You showed me that money isn't worth anything if you're not happy. If you don't have love, and if you're not making something of your life, then you've got nothing. You changed me. Nothing was ever the same after I met you, after our friendship. But your love, that is what changed everything. I no longer wanted the world. Just to be with you. If I could be with you, and raise a family with you, that was all I wanted or needed to be happy.

And that is still true today. Because no matter how much I care for Gwen, no matter the fact that I feel I owe her my loyalty, you're it for me. Having the world no longer appeals for me. All I want is you.

_Oh, I wish I could tell you this face to face_

If only I had the courage to send this. Or better yet, tell you all of these things face to face. A conversation about the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. You deserve at least that after the hell that you've gone through. Unfortunately, I don't have the courage to do that just yet. You're the strong one between us, 'Resa. Always have been. Hopefully, one day, I'll be able to be as strong as you are.

_But there's never the time, never the place_

We are soulmates. I know it, you know it. You are and always will be the woman in my heart, just as I am the man in yours. And I want to shout that from the rooftops. Believe me, I do. I want to be able to say I love you in public. To hold and kiss you in front of all the people we care about and tell them that we are together. But the timing in our relationship has never been the best. Every time we get close, something catastrophic happens to wreck it all. I'm married. I have a responsibility to Gwen. The time and place for our love hasn't arrived yet. Still, the hopeless romantic in me can't help believing that our time will come. It's just hard to see when, and in what lifetime it will happen.

_So this letter will have to do_

When we are together, I can never seem to find the right words to say. Either we're fighting, or Gwen is around, or you are doing everything you can to seduce me, and I am stunned into silence by your beauty and tenacity. Things end up coming out wrongly, and I do not want that. So I keep what I really want to say locked inside. But I can't do that any more. So, I suppose this letter will have to do. A lot of things have been said in this letter, and I meant every word of it. But I guess the bottom line, what I am really trying to say is….

_I love you._


End file.
